I Am Falling Down

Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fall right on my face,
It’s an uphill human race,
and I am falling down.

I leave the country for a year and it all goes to pot!



I fear for what could be around the corner for my beloved country. If only I were home in time to vote. Perhaps I should begin looking inot how I can go about doing it from here.


Give It A Rest, Just Let It Pass

‘Cause It’s So Hard To Forget… The Past, The Past.

Last night Lee had to see me in a state that no one should ever have to see a loved one in. I was broken. An empty shell of a person… unable to breathe… rocking myself to calmness… on the cold tiles of the washroom in the darkness. The tears flowing so fast and hard it hurt my eyes. Hands cupped over my mouth trying to muffle the sounds as I hyperventilated. Unable to takl. Unable to look at anyone or anything. Unable to be touched.

It has been ages since I’ve felt that way. Ages since I’ve felt so stuck in a world that seems to be inhabited by me and me alone. I know I wasn’t the only one who used to live there, but the others seem to have been able to move on. Shut the door and forget there ever was this alternately world that was our reality.

The feelings raging inside me conflict with each other and tire me out. Jealousy; because they can forget and go on. Hatred; because by blocking it out they’ve left me there to deal with it all alone. Happiness; because they don’t have this burning sickness in their stomachs, hearts and minds too. Confusion; because as soon as it appears to have gone from my mind it all comes rushing back crippling me worse than ever.

Perhaps my soul is just too sensitive. Too emotional. Perhaps I feel the pain for all of us… even those who inflicted it to start with. Perhaps that is my job… to deal with the past so no one else has to.

Sure you live, you experience, you learn from it and move on. But there are some things that need to be dealt with in order to do this. And how do I get to do that when no one wants to remember? When everyone else just smiles and pretends and lives in their new “reality”?

One day perhaps I too will be able to move on completely. Though I am not blind to the fact that I cannot do this alone. I just don’t know who can help me.

The hardest part right now is letting Lee see me weak. I’ve spent my life trying to be strong for everyone and it is not easy to let someone see the toll it takes. Especially when you can’t even explain what is wrong. You can’t explain why you are lying there choking on your own tears. Why you need to be alone, or if not alone… untouched.

It breaks my heart for him to do nothing but love me for me, be so proud of everything I do no matter how insignificant, hold me no matter how hard I try to push him away. I can only hope that he keeps it in his heart and mind that none of this is to do with him, that he is the only reason I am not in a much darker place. And I hope that he has the patience for me to finally break free and to be able to give back as much or more than he gives me. He deserves it. He really and truly has.



Usually I can find a song lyric or title to describe what I am about to post.


I never knew I would ever have to share what I am about to.

It is official. The dumbest person in the world is from England … and working right here in the MK.

That’s right. I’ve found her, so stop looking.

Lee and I go to get our groceries. We walk up to the counter and are bagging our goodies, when all of a sudden the cashier (who looks like she has eaten a few of her coworkers) asks….

“What are these?”

…. what do you think they were?

A – Tamarinds?
B – Kumquats?
C – Okra?
D – Plantain?
E – None of the above?

If you guessed “E”.. you’re right. Because the items in question were none other than….


That’s right.




Early Morning When I Wake Up…

… I Look Like Kiss But Without The Makeup.

This morning came far too early for me. I may have just gotten out of bed at nearly 2p.m, but I have been up off an on since around 9:15a.m. Some people may think that even that hour is pretty late. What they do not realise is the night had before it which resulted in me truly deserving to stay in bed all day. Alllllllll day.

There are photos. Photos that one day shall come to light. Photos that luckily did not capture all events of the night, but enough to give people an slight clue as to what happens when a former alcohol and party fiend such as myself is let loose on the town.

The town:

The location: Various, though mainly The Maple Leaf Pub, The Tube and Newington Causeway near Ministry of Sound.

The people: Various. Ones we meant to meet and ones we didn’t. Namely: Darcie, Liz, Sharon, Loralee, Chris and Scott (henceforth known as Paul and Pablo or Bailey and Pablo), Lee and Myself.


The poison: In a Canadian pub, Canadian drinks are consumed. We started off with pints of Molson Dry and bottles of Molson Canadian. Then the table became Sleemans Central. Bottle upon bottle upon bottle of the honey brown goodness.


The grub: The World’s Worst Poutine. Wings. Lays Ketchup chips, Hickory Sticks and Bicks pickles. That’s right… non sweet proper pickles!

I want to go into further detail, but I am too tired too. I am too busy giggling at the pictures in my mind to attempt transcribing them in a way that would do them justice. Just how do you describe two people just meeting for the first time and exchanging their tops in the loo of a pub… never mind the sight of them switching back in a bus shelter a few hours later…. AS A BUS PULLS UP.

How does one describe the World’s Worst Burger King experience. Unless you yourself have held one of their completely frozen, never having touched hot oil fries, you would not understand. Plus you’d probably not want to have the full picture of what a 14 hour old burger tastes like: hard bun, melted yet solid cheese, cold meat and near frozen tomatoes. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm can’t think of anything tastier. I think I’d rather have had a frozen raw kebab.

But there were plenty laughs had. Plenty people met. And friends reunited. It was a great night out that may have started with train delays and ended with a two hour bus trip back to the MK, but it was worth it. So very worth it. Even worth having to shove my drunk fingers down my throat to release the mound of stale burger that was just resting atop of my tummy, making my life miserable. Yes, it was even worth that.

And the walls of doubt crumble tossed and torn,
This comes to pass when a child is born.

Congratulations, Mr. Jimmy (officially James) and Mrs. Michelle Gulp (officially Swallow) on having a very productive honeymoon! 😉

I am happy for you both and wish you a healthy happy journey on your way to Parenthood!

…Journey with me as I take you through this nifty little place….

So 69 days left until the wedding. At this point in most wedding planning lives, people are mostly relaxed with everything set in stone. Not us. In fact, I’ve just realised that the shoes I bought aren’t going to work in the sand. So now I have £50 shoes to wear… from the room to the bar.. and nothing to wear at the wedding. *gulp*

I will admit there is still loads to be done and instead of getting some rest and getting everything in order, I’ve discovered the magic of itunes and songs for £0.79. To be fair, and to justify my spending spree, I did manage to get the song I want to dance to with my father. Though I got 16 other songs to go along with it. Oops.

Oh and the luck of bad flight planning continues. Over a month ago I booked my December trip to Toronto. I got it for an amazing price and we felt I had plenty time to get things done when I got there. However, yesterday I received an email from my mother informing me that the woman who will be doing the finishing touches on the dress will only be able to help me the day before I leave because I was getting in too late on the Wednesday.

Well I had purchased a non-refundable non-changeable ticket! Just like I did in summer when I fought with the travel agent and airline to change it… and lost, having to buy a new ticket on a different flight and go back home twice in the space of a month.

This time I survived with only a £55 fee plus a 30 minute long distance call. I guess it is worth it to be able to fit properly into a dress that people will remember me in for a long time.

Now only if either of my florist’s email addresses worked. It would be slightly handy and not as panic inducing as having the emails bounce back to me 5 minutes apart after lulling me into a false sense of security thinking the second one made it.

It doesn’t stop there. Today I got post. YAY! No bills! No bills indeed. It was Debenhams telling me that FIVE of the items we have registered for are being discontinued. So basically if no one buys them like tomorrow.. we won’t get them. I am almost tempted to buy them for myself. :/

But you know for all of these obstacles, it really is okay.. because if my wedding went smoothly, it wouldn’t be my wedding. If I make it through the day without falling over, spilling red wine or something equally vibrant stain producing down my front, falling out of my dress, vomiting or crapping myself… it will be a good day.

My mom used to tell me that for everything bad that happened to me when I was younger, that I would be rewarded when I was older. I’ve been waiting for the badness to leave.. and maybe.. just maybe.. that day, it will begin.