But I’m still waiting….

Six months ago today.

That is when the bottom dropped out.  That is when a massive hole tore through my heart.  That is when I wanted the world to stop spinning so that I could get off.

I honestly cannot believe that six months have passed.  It feels like only yesterday that my Daddy was taken away from me.  To be honest, I would have thought the tears would have run out a long time ago.  Everyone around me is moving on as best they can, yet I feel as though I am stuck here in quicksand.  There are days where I feel like it is all going to be okay, but those are usually the days that I convince myself he is still in St.Kitts.

Those days are more common than the “reality” days where I accept that I won’t be stepping off a plane and receiving one of his awkward my-friends-are-around-and-I-don’t-want-to-seem-soft hugs. A main part of me not being able to let go, is this consuming fear that I will forget.  Not that I will forget I ever had a father, but that I won’t remember what his voice sounded like, or that my memories will start to fade of who he was and what he was like.  He is in my dreams a lot and he talks and talks and talks.  There are mornings that I will myself not to wake up because I am in between sleep and being awake and I start to lose the sound and I panic.

It may sound silly to most people, but it is my reality.  Sure, everyone has memories of him and people can help to remind me of certain things, but those people are far away from me so I do not get to hear the stories often – if at all.  Instead I have to think about them on my own and it can fully consume me, which I know is not right either.  I just feel I have to remember as much as I can.  I see tv shows where there are grandparents playing with babies and I start to worry about how I am ever going to be able to tell our children about my father.  How do you explain to someone that there was someone who loved them long before they ever existed?

All I really know is that there has to be an easier way, but I’ve yet to find it.  What I have found is that six months later I am still so lost without him and some days I feel like I am finding my way, but I seem to lose it even quicker.  I’ve also come to accept that my heart will probably hurt six years down the road, never mind six months, so I need a REALLY good pain reliever.  Preferably non-drowsy.

So to my Daddy, (you and I both know that I don’t believe you can see this or me or anything, but I’ve been wrong about things before so I’m covering all bases here) I miss you every moment of every day and I would give everything I could just to have you back – even for an hour.

Me and My Daddy

I tell you I’m here again …. Where have you been?

So just the other night I wrote that I would be getting back on my hobby-horse and updating this thing.  It shouldn’t be that hard really should it?  I mean if you talk to me, then you know I have no problem running my mouth for hours and hours.  And then I still have breath left over for some more.   I guess it is just that as things start to seem better in the day to day running of my life, my body and brain are just too exhausted.  The happy on the outside thing takes a lot of work.  Even the moments where I am genuinely happy!  But I am getting better, not that it hurts any less or that I miss my father even the tiniest amount less than I did the day I found out.  In fact, I miss him more every day. But this is a battle within myself that I have to win because I’ve got other people around who need me to stay, at least relatively, sane.

Anyway, pack that away before I start to cry!

I have started to upload more photos to the photo sites, just like I promised *coughcough*last year*coughcough*.  This process is not a quick one, so I shall offer you samples of what have been added, what are awaiting approval and what is next!

Firstly, Steph’s stagette! I did it Steph! It only took me 6 and 1/2 months!  My excuse is that I didn’t want to remind you of your single life so soon after you gave it up. =)

Kirsty and Steph

Then I’ve skipped right over Christmas (hey, I didn’t say there was any logic to the order here!) and Dublin is going up. Expect there to be the usual photos of Lee and I: eating, drinking, sitting in airports and generally being idiots!  Doesn’t matter whether we are at home or in a foreign land, we are who we are and that’s quite alright by us!

P.S: Warning Cath, I am about to show a food photo that will be even uglier to you than the “pasta with the gross sauce”.

To start our day the right way we headed down Grafton Street in search for a proper Irish Breakfast!  We found a perfect little pub called Davey Byrnes which served us up a tasty and filling breakfast – hold the white pudding (as I was too scared of that… later finding out it is not as nasty as black pudding which I love).

Irish Tummies Were Smiling!

Ooh look at this!  I’ve just found this on “The Google”: Just off Grafton Street, Davy Byrnes is one of Dublin’s most famous pubs – references in Joyce’s Ulysses mean it is very much on the tourist circuit. Despite all this fame it remains a genuine, well-run place and equally popular with Dubliners, who find it a handy meeting place.  How weird, we had no clue!  Usually before we go somewhere I do a lot of research on where to eat, what to see, etc.  This time I had tunnel vision and all I wanted was a Pint of Plain.  Or two.  Or three.

And well, not that I doubted this victory for a moment, I got what I wanted.  Aaaahhhh, Guinness straight from the source.

Lee, Me and 2 pints of Guinness

Please feel free to comment on the frizz upon my head.  It only got worse as the weekend went by.  Limited hair products thanks to the Clear Plastic Baggie in Your Carry On  rule plus Dublin’s cold rain left me looking worse for wear over the entire weekend.  I’m please to report that I look MUCH hotter right now as I sit here typing thing in my pyjamas with a mini afro.  Take my word for it, a photo would be far too much stimulation for you!

Lee however, he looked hot.  I am talking PHWOAR hot too, not sauna hot.  He even did his hair all special for this trip and I think it suited him well!

The Fonz - Irish Clown Style

And the obligatory – Shot in the Departures Lounge.  Because I know when I die I will become famous for having the most photos taken beyond airport security.  It’s something I aspire to and I am sure will make our future children honoured to have us as parents.

So here is Lee, ready to get back to England and back to work!

The Excitement Has Overcome Him

As with most things in my life, I have done this out of order.  Sure the Stagette came before the trip to Dublin, but the trip to Toronto did too!  They are the next photos to go up and as they are all about family, they will appear on the family page rather than the “Away” page.   That tidbit of information was for those of you on the edge of your seat wanting to know all about the method being my photo archiving madness.  If you post me the equivalent of £9.99 each, you will get full access to jumbled mess that is my brain and the randomness it often spews out through my mouth.

So, yes, we went to Toronto and it was great.  And I’ve just realised that I’ve said all of this in the last post.  But it was and we did have a really good but exhausting time.  Lee saw his first NHL game, and for me it was a great one! The Canucks kicked butt and didn’t even bother taking names.  The Leafs were messy, they had no fight in them and they definitely had no desire to shoot the puck.  But I digress as I have no photos to show of this, seeing as I was too busy drinking.

I do however have photos of my family, and Superman.  That’s right – Superman.  Bet you didn’t know that I know him! However to see his photos you will have to wait for them to appear online as it looks like I made different ones in the size required to fit on this page without spilling over the edge.

First we have the people who appear to be normal…. but are they really?

Momma and Luke

Well looks like ONE was… and shockingly it was my Mom.  Luke was easily swept over to the dark side by Cath and Lee though.

Lee's New Family

I love this photo.  It is like a wholesome family advertisement for … Jelly Tots.

To tie it up – all this and more will be coming your way.. and soon!

We shouldn’t have left you

Without a dope beat to step to..

Err yah, anyway.

So much for my pulling my socks up and posting all of these photos that I was supposed to do post the trip to Ireland.  But like with everything else in life, shit happens.  It is only mid-February and I’ve already been to the A&E! Hurrah!! Looks like this year is following closely to last year.  Even our anniversary mimicked our wedding day with the wind and rain – unfortunately this year we were in Ireland where the rain was COLD.   Wait, I take the unfortunately back – sort of.  We loved being in Dublin, it was the mittens-required temperatures that I was not all that hot on! And as much as we loved it, it would appear that the Luck O’ The Irish did not rub off on us – not matter what lengths I went to, as we ended up with dual food poisoning the night we returned home!

Leprechauns ARE real!

Great things were accomplished in the 48 hours were we in the Land of Clovers and Tacky Gift Shops: Lee tried oysters for the first time and LOVED them!  I have even evidenced this – not that you can really see his reaction, but we ordered more straight after and he even went on to have them for dinner!

A Shuckin Good Time

Before our whirlwind weekend in Dublin, we spent a lovely 4 days in Toronto visiting family, seeing friends and jumping out of our seats every time the Canucks scored a goal!  Okay, so it was me jumping out of the seat, and it was me again  who was yelling at the poor 11 year old sat next to me.  Does it really matter the age? One of the Golden Rules of Survival Around ME is – Do Not Trash Talk Trevor Linden.  I mean come on, EVERYONE should know that, whether you know me or not.

Since then we’ve been sick, got better, I got sick again, got better, decided I really cannot stand my job, but it keeps me travelling – and paying the cable bill!  But there is sunshine over the horizon as we look towards the future.  Oh how gay did that sound?  It’s true though, we are going to become a 2 car family.  I know it is not a big deal to most of you, but I have been living here for the past few years and have depended on Lee to take me everywhere!  Well, there was the stretch where I wasn’t working and wasn’t afraid of the MK locals, but working in Probation has shown me the real folk out there and I’ve become much happier inside my home.

I digress – I’m going to be able to drive!  To the supermarket, to work and most importantly to IKEA!  Do you know what this means? UNSUPERVISED SHOPPING!  It’s like I’ve won the lottery, but without the money bit!

In the coming months we are looking forward to Stag Dos, Hen Nights, BNL concert in Birmingham, a wedding, a visit from Scott & Heather, a visit from Steph & Colin and hopefully a return journey to Vegas in August.  Mama needs a new pair of shoes – or at the very least some watered down margaritas!

So that is it for now. I WILL get around to posting the photos that I promised ..eventually, but all I have left to say is:

Goodbye from me! *said in that One Road Travel kind of way*

oooh look new glasses

Oh yeah! And it snowed! Great big snow!!! So great and so big I got to go home early and we got to make a snowman.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  At least since August!

Cute 'n' Cold

You're as Cold as Ice