I have been pregnant for 562 days of the past 731.  Five Hundred and Sixty-Two days of being inhabited by a foreign body, literally, and having all of my energy drained along with a large portion of the nutrients I have worked hard to keep up.  My hips are not happy and it takes me nearly an entire minute to roll over, never mind the old man walk I have to adopt when I actually manage to get out of the bed.  I’m actually surprised … no.. make that impressed with myself for not having wet myself on the way .. yet.

But not all has been bad.  And when I’m bent over the shopping cart as I push Noah around and wonder why this baby always acts like s/he wants to escape in a grocery store, even those moments don’t make me wish the end of this pregnancy away.

There is this online group of mothers due in June like me, and most of them are anxious to be done with it all.  I thought having a 15 month old with amazing amounts of energy would have me feeling the same way by now.  In fact, I expected to feel ready to be done with this all a couple of weeks ago.  But I’m still here.  Still cursing my bladder for waking me up before the alarm is set to go off (Lee’s alarm and the Noah alarm) and still struggling to stay awake for more than 4 hours at a time.  But I’m in no rush.  Perhaps next week will be different.  If I hit the 40 week mark I may start hoping for a swift eviction process.  I’m not rushing the next week though.  More willing this baby to stay in until at least tomorrow night.

Although my mind is okay with staying pregnant a bit longer, it would appear that my appearance is begging for change.  The photos for this week are not pretty.  They are full of bedhead and ill fitting pyjamas and pale skin and tired eyes.  They are a true reflection of how I am feeling physically and perhaps the physical manifestation of my mental state.

Okay, scratch the “how I feel physically”.  Noah just fell getting out of bed and Lee asked me to come with him.  From some unknown reserve I jumped off of the sofa and was up those stairs without missing a beat.  And the force that I used to attempt to turn the light on sent the light switch cover flying off of the wall onto my foot.  Right now, Noah is trying to get back to sleep with Lee in there as a security blanket/teddy bear and I’m nursing a sore foot.

And it just makes me think… there are hundreds of thousands of decisions we make as parents that either leave our child protected of vulnerable to hurt.  Some children are over protected and many are under protected, but the majority of us are doing what we can to strike the balance and it is not easy.  Every child is different. The more they grow, the more you learn about them and the way you protect them changes.  Not every decision is going to be right and the wrong ones will seem worse to the parents than to any outsiders.  And it may be a little late to be asking myself this, but am I really ready to have to make these choices for two innocent beings who know no better than what we teach them?

Truthfully, no.   Then again, I’m not sure I ever would be.  So while I am becoming the master of making parenting mistakes, I may as well be doing it for two and not raising one to think that I loved the other more because I took better care of him or her.

I think I need some more ice cream.

Photos at 38w 6d.  Don’t say that I didn’t warn you.

Bump from the Front

Bump from the Front

Left Bump

Left Bump

Right Bump

Right Bump

Once again Cheese is photographing a lot higher than s/he actually is.  Though to be honest, it is a lot more flattering than the actual position of the bump!

15 Months of Silly

15 Months of Silly

You’ve made it to 15 months as an only child! There were days along the way in the past few weeks that we were not sure it would happen, but it has. I’m not sure that it means as much to you, but I have really enjoyed our past month together. Even if you decided to bring The Sick back and we decided to suffer at the same time.. with different ailments.. but we suffered. That part of the month, let’s not repeat.

Running Low On Steam

Running Low On Steam

The rest of it we can though! Even the parts where you’ve decided that your best friend in the entire world is your Daddy. It started at the end of last month and trust me, this month was full of those moments/hours/days/weeks. It would appear that you only really need me now when it comes to bathing and sleeping. Otherwise, you’ve become a dude’s dude and sure it is okay if I’m there too, but you don’t really need your Mommy hanging around.

Just the Two of Us - I

Just the Two of Us - I

Even if you do not need me around, I have loved watching how you follow your Daddy all over the backyard. How you call out for his attention with your finger gestures, just so he’ll look at you and you can bust a dance move or run to him with your eyes closed as you laugh so hard to yourself because of course you ARE the funniest person who has ever lived (that you get from me).

Run Forest Run

Run Forest Run

In fact, you’ve developed quite a few talents this month; spinning around in circles while stood up .. or whilst sat on your bum, trying so hard and getting so close to mimicking dance moves you see on television (Boogie Beebies is one of your favourite shows now), mastering the art of fork feeding, sleeping in a big boy bed with no bed rail, climbing up everything you see .. and most recently you’ve become addicted to participating along with my singing Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes. At first everything was your head, but you are learning and now you bend over and go straight for the toes. It makes me jealous because bending over is not something I can do easily these days!

Head and Shoulders...
Head and Shoulders…

Knees and Toes
Knees and Toes…

In fact, nothing has been easy to do the past couple of weeks and you seem to have sensed that and become even more independent than you were last month. Sure, you will try to get me to do everything, but you do give in easily and carry on your merry way and do it yourself. But you always come back for a quick cuddle to make sure that I know you still need me and maybe to check that I do need you too. Which is a given. A person can’t have someone like you come into their life and ever stop needing them. Your laugh is infectious, your smile is contagious and when your heart breaks with each tear you cry, you break my heart too. And when you sit there innocently doing something simple like eating a banana or your corn on the cob, or spinning the wheels of some toy, stroller or cart, I just want to scoop you up and cover you in kisses.

Banana Man
A Boy and His Banana

I’ve almost willed this month not to end. Not just because I am terrified about the arrival of your little brother or sister, but it has taken us so long to get here, that I am afraid of what is going to happen when your whole world is turned upside down and we don’t get to spend as much “us” time together as you are used to. I’m crossing my fingers that this baby will let us have our morning naps together at least because I really want there to be time each day where you get your Mommy all to yourself. We’ve tried hard to prepare you for the arrival, but I know you are still just a little dude as grown up as you seem, so now I need to remind myself to be patient with you and be understanding if you don’t just accept this change with open arms. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are now and it is all about to get flipped over on its head. I’ve asked a lot of you in the 15 months you’ve been around, and I’m asking once again to bear with me. This is new territory for us all.

Upside Down
Your World Flipped Upside Down

I promise, in 15 months I will not be telling you that you have to prepare for yet another sibling’s arrival. And if I do tell you that .. then look around for hidden television cameras, because one of us will just have been Punk’d. You have no idea what that means, but I am sure that it will be back on tv in syndication eventually and you will finally be filled in on the joke.

Thank you for yet another amazing month. Watching you grow up has become the greatest pastime a person could have. Though perhaps, it’d be even better without fevers or teething and those not so solid diapers you give us now and again. Month 16 is going to be a crazy one for all of us, but I promise you that I am going to love you even more next month than I have in any of the past ones and that you will still get as many cuddles as you need. Plus, your other best friend Zed is coming in a couple of days and bringing the one that feeds you anything you want (Kadie). You’re set! In fact, come to think of it, I hope you remember who I am by the end of next month!

My Happy Chapy
The Happiest Little Boy Ever

Happy Fifteen Months, GrumpyPumps!!!
Mommy Loves You!!

When I was pregnant with Noah, I read that 5 year olds predicted the gender of a baby correctly, more often than any other age.

Today, Noah and I went into his room so that we could get him dressed to go to the store and instead of coming over to me to put his shirt on, he climbed into his bed, put his head on the pillow and went to sleep.

Do 15 months old inherently know when babies are coming and when to get some sleep? Should I be having a nap or making sure that I’ve packed everything finally? Or should I enjoy a few moments of peace?

Hrm…

It may not officially be summer according to the calendar, but as of today it is to me! With the sun shining and barely a breeze, I took full advantage of feeling healthy (even if I have this weirdo rash on my body) and enjoyed the sunshine.

I enjoyed it yesterday, too. But yesterday there was a breeze and I spent a lot of time watching my Daddy do manly things with saws and lawnmowers and tying things to the rails on my Mommy’s car. We did Boots, Mothercare, Clinton Cards, some health food store, Costco AND IKEA. It was a busy day with fun slotted in between everything that had to be done and I celebrated by sleeping on my new mattress that actually fits my big boy bed. That IKEA is a magical place, I tell you!

Back to today though. With the sun out and after having a three hour morning nap, I was full of energy. My Daddy and I played guitar as I ran in and out and in and out and in and out of my room. I wanted to run out front of the house and pick the flowers in the backyard … and I did. Even when I wasn’t supposed to be doing it. heh heh.

After we went grocery shopping, we got home and my Mommy pulled this big plastic thing out of a bag and sat there huffing and puffing and I had no idea what was going on. Concerned, I went over and put my hand on her shoulder to let her know that I was there for her if she needed me. Not that I had any clue what on earth I’d do if she needed help. But then the huffing and puffing started making me giggle and the plastic starting changing shape.

Before I knew it, she had the hose out and was filling this funny thing up with water. That was all I needed to see. I was off of the deck and got my hands right in there. Holy Chilly! That hose has some seriously cold water! But I couldn’t resist splashing it about. I stuck my feet in and stood in it as long as I could and then would climb out on the grass to warm up my little (okay they aren’t that little) toes before I’d get back in.

My Mommy stripped me down to NOTHING. That’s right, she let me run around completely naked. It was GREAT. I’ve never been allowed to run around outside with no pants on and my Parents certainly don’t trust me to do it in the house. Especially after the bathrobe in the hallway incident.

My Daddy added some hot water to the pool and my Mommy eased me into the pool. It was great. It was tiny, but I had a ball!!!! Why can’t it be warm all year so that I can get naked and play in the pool EVERY day?!

And what better way to dry off then take off running around the backyard exploring with nothing on but my a smile on my face and the wind in my hair. Only there wasn’t much wind… in the air at least.

Afterwards, I crashed out for an evening nap to try and recover some of the energy. Oh I hope that the man on the television is right and that we have a lot of sun this summer!!

Big Boy in a Little Pool

Big Boy in a Little Pool

Keeping a Little Dignity

Keeping a Little Dignity

Okay, One Look .. Then Im Out Of Here

Okay, One Look .. Then I'm Out Of Here

Me and My Palm Tree

Me and My Palm Tree

My Daddy Takes No Chances Before I Go Inside

My Daddy Takes No Chances Before I Go Inside

Enjoying Life Can Be Exhausting

Enjoying Life Can Be Exhausting

My Mommy says I need a bigger pool, and I agree! Maybe that way she can actually come in and splash instead of just sticking her grassy feet in. And there’s no way that Kadie and Zed can fit in here with me when they come to visit.

To most people, yesterday was just another day. It came, it went, things happened, but it wasn’t memorable. It wasn’t the happiest day of their life, it wasn’t the saddest and by the end of the weekend they will struggle to remember what they ate for lunch or dinner.

I’m not most people.

Yesterday was one of the dates on the calendar that will always mean something to me and will never get easier. I wake up in the morning and the tears start to well. Throughout the day I try and stay occupied, but it is hard because I think about the What Ifs. By the end of the day I’m exhausted and I just can’t fight the tears anymore. And I can’t even blame the hormones.

My Dad should have turned 63 yesterday. He should have been sitting in St.Kitts saying how much he wished we could all celebrate together, but maybe next year. Though it wouldn’t really matter because he’d just be happy that his fourth grandchild in a year and a half was due to arrive at any moment.

And I know I shouldn’t think about how things would be or how I think they SHOULD be, but I cannot help it. I miss him. I miss him every single day of my life and cannot believe that so much time has passed and so many things have happened in all of our lives and he hasn’t been here to be a part of it with us. Each of us, his children, has had our life change in ways that he would be so proud of and ways he wanted so badly for us and for him .. and he doesn’t get to share any of it.

Sure, a lot of you would say that “he knows”, he’s always there, he’s better off … and a whole bunch of other thing that are meant to make me feel better, but don’t. I don’t need words, I don’t need hugs, I don’t need looks of “poor girl, you’ll be okay” and time will not heal no matter how many people say it.

Each year on the 22nd of May my heart shatters into a million pieces of sadness that cannot be helped no matter what. Sure, yesterday was better than the others that have passed as we were plenty occupied with two toddlers running around and falling over and into each other, but that just allows the pieces to shatter a little more slowly.

But this morning at 5.25am I was awaken with the pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter of two not so tiny toddler feet running across the creaky wood floors from his room to my bedside with arms out stretched wanting to join us in bed and it helped start to put the pieces back in place. And although I know my heart will never fully heal, moments like that help get it back to as whole as it can.

It looks like Cheese is going to stick around to mature a little longer.  Most women would be upset with this news as it would appear that they get tired of being pregnant around this time, or a couple of weeks earlier.   I think that these women do not have a near 15 month old and are most likely not half as scatterbrained or disorganised as I am.

Plus, for the 12th time, I need my momma here with me!

People are starting to call the date and so far they’ve been calling the day before she arrives and the day she arrives.  I don’t like these dates.  The day after is okay, but any time from the 1st of June onward is preferable.

I’m really not enjoying the not knowing bit of this.  Not the not knowing if Cheese is going to come into the world and have a multitude of options for a name or whether Cheese will have a penis and remain nameless, but the not knowing when.  Surprises are only good when they come in little blue boxes.. or when there is no risk of an even bigger surprise en route to the hospital.  If we were going around the corner, I wouldn’t be so worried.  But we’ve got a 45 minute drive in absolutely no traffic and we’re not as swift as we were pre-Noah.

But, I need to focus on getting things in order so that I am semi-prepared for the actual Womb Eviction Day.  To assist with that, I’m going to have yet another nap.

Today marks 38 weeks down and 2 to go.

Only, word on the street is that Cheese doesn’t seem to have the patience that we’d all like him/her to have.

I’ve been having “tightenings”, cramps and other assorted “preparation” symptoms for three days now and spoke to the hospital midwife yesterday who thinks that Cheese will be here in the next day or two.  Luckily, Cheese didn’t decide to join us over night because Noah’s had a fever that is driving all of us crazy.  The poor guy is drained and irritated which is leading us to join him in being drained and irritated.  Not a good way to go into labour.  Much sleep is required and so hard to come by.

Assuming that nothing happens between now and 1pm this afternoon, we are going to see the midwife who will see if this baby is playing mind games or really getting themselves prepared for an early arrival.  I’d like her to whisper some encouraging words to Cheese and tell him/her to stay in until the 1st of June.  That’s not long now.  If I can hold on, so can the baby.  I’m the one suffering the physical and emotional side effects of this pregnancy.  They’re the one stealing my nutrients and energy and punching me repeatedly in the pelvis.  Plus, I’m the one who looks like they’ve swallowed a massive bowling ball now that Cheese is on a mission to keep dropping and limbo their way out.

I need my Momma to hold my hand and whisper words of enragement .. encouragement.. to help me get through the process!

So fingers.. and more importantly.. LEGS Crossed!!!

Another update SHOULD be coming this afternoon.  If not… well, then a more interesting update will follow soon…

Here are photos from last night.  Excuse the dishevled look.  This session was post-11pm after we’d all had naps and Noah was struggling with a 39.6 (103) fever, but we thought we’d document what may have been Noah’s last night as a single child.  Hopefully not, but we’ll see.

37+6: Cheese Drops

37+6: Cheese gets low low low

37+6: A lot of belly - A little way to go

37+6: A lot of belly - A little way to go

37+6: Noah gets the Bump Seat

37+6: Noah get's the Bump Seat

Yesterday I went for my second pregnancy massage of this pregnancy and third over all. Each time I go, it gets better and better and my body and mind leave there in such a relaxed state that it is hard to walk, think or make sense of anything.

I believe that all pregnant women should be entitled to these massages, at least weekly for the last month of the pregnancy. It is an hour of pure bliss where you can drift in and out of consciousness whilst someone kneeds away your aches, pains and stresses.

For those of you who do not like massages, you honestly do not know what you’re missing. It is like the head massage you get at the hairdresser whilst they shampoo and condition you. Only this doesn’t stop at just below your ears. Your arms, fingers, legs, toes, neck, shoulders and back all get in on the action. And even your face.

I could fall asleep right now just thinking about it.

The only downside was getting all of this body onto the massage table without falling over, and then to turn from side to side without falling off. But to then be covered with warm towels and given a pillow to hug and one for under the knees.. it is almost like for that hour, you stop being the Comforter and get to be the Comforted.

I’d almost be willing to strike up a deal with Cheese for him/her to stay inside for another month if this wasn’t such an expensive habit.

Now I’ve just got to find someone willing to perform this magic on me at a moment’s notice when I go into labour.

When getting Noah ready for bed last night I attempted to cut his toenails. This is no easy feat as he HATES it. You can rub his foot for ever, but touch the toenails and you’re out of there! This could be because he has inherited his toenails from my side of the family which requires a professional sander to remove the cuticles, but has not inherited my family’s love for picking at things.

Me to Noah: I am so sorry that Mommy gave you these horrible toenails.

Lee to Me: The good thing is that you know they came from you which means it shows I didn’t cheat on you and Noah is yours.

Me: *sigh* I hope this baby has better toenails.

Lee: I hope this baby is white.

Me: Why? So you can prove that I mothered this baby too?

Lee: Exactly.

You can try and justify the randomness of our conversations on lack of sleep or anxiety due to impending baby arrivals, but that’s just how things are around here.

Once you start making sense and talking seriously, you know that you’ve got problems.

On discussing why I’d want to get rid of our second barbecue.

Me: We have the prince of barbecues, why do we need the pauper?

Lee: What’s a pauper?

Me: A pauper? A poor person.

Lee: Ooh, a POOR-per.

Me: Uhh, not a porpoise, a pauper.

Lee: Yeah, but you’re saying POP-per

Me: And you’re saying POOR-per

Lee: Yeah, as in POOR-person.