This Time Last Year

One year ago today I posted a card to my Daddy. A card that had no specified destination, but one which I hoped he’d get anyway.

In the card I explained how I’d been feeling since he had left (and I know that you say to leave it means he had a choice and he didn’t, Momma.. but it is what it feels like to me) and I ended it by saying that if there was any possible way that the card found its way to him, that I understood that I couldn’t have him back, but that I’d really really appreciate if he could pull some strings and see about a baby.

One week later Noah was conceived. Now you might think it was a massive coincidence, but not too long after that, Noah’s cousin Calleigh was conceived. Now Lee and I had been trying and had discovered that we were good at getting pregnant, just not so great at staying that way, so to me it seemed like much more than a coincidence. And although I am not a great “believer”, I can’t help but think he had a hand in it all.

The reason I sent the card at all, was because the 22nd of May is his birthday. Today he would have been 62 years old and it would have been the happiest birthday he ever had because he’d have two grandchildren to share it with.

The hardest part of raising Noah, isn’t the sleepless nights, the tantrums or the inability to communicate, but not being able to share this all with my Daddy. He would have LOVED Noah, and I know Noah would have loved him right back. Hopefully I can do my Daddy’s memory justice and let Noah know just how loved he would have been and how very very much me meant to me.

Everyone that said that this gets easier…lied. Not a day goes by that I do not think about him and wish that I could wake up from this horrible dream. But at least when Noah’s asleep and gives me the finger or cocks his leg in the air and farts without waking himself, I know that my Daddy is living on in my baby boy.

I love him and miss him more than I can explain.

Daddy, I am so grateful for this amazing baby boy that you arranged for me, now do you think you could manage to get him to sleep through the night?

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One Response to “This Time Last Year”
  1. Momma says:

    Kirsty..that is a request that will never happen because your father would be the one poking Noah to wake him up when he is asleep!

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