Rankish Teapants

The delay in getting this out may lead people to think that month two was as rough as month one. They’d mostly be wrong. I mean, it was rough. I’m still recovering from it, but to be fair, I spent a lot of it recovering from month one.

But this month you started to smile. Often. Between the lengthy bouts of grizzling, crying and screaming, you spend a lot of the time smiling at me. You smile way more than your brother did which is wonderful, because you are unhappier a lot more often than he was too. On thing you do that he never seemed to do, is look at me when you wake up and give a little smile that grows into a medium sized smile and then takes over your entire face and your eyes crinkle and your mouth swallows half of your face and every single morning I just want to pick you up and squeeze you so tight until you can hear my heart screaming how much I love you.

And then, I close my eyes tightly and hope that we can make it through the day as friends.

It would be a lot easier to deal with your grump if you were an only child, but you aren’t. It is a constant struggle to try and give you both so much of myself and my love and attention in order to make sure that neither of you feel the other one gets more. Right now you need me a lot more than Noah does, but that doesn’t lessen the fact that he still needs me a lot. This leads me to hope one moment that you two will alternate nap times so that I can be with one of you whilst the other sleeps, but that leaves me so exhausted that I then hope that the next round of naps happens at the same time so I can breathe.

The trouble is, no matter when you nap, you appear to want me within 3mm of you. And that is the days that you decide to nap. For some reason I thought I remembered that Noah started to sleep better after his 8 week injections. You, you barely slept at all that day, even with a dose of Calpol … which you hate.

That’s right, we let some lady stick two needles into you this month. You were not happy. But you were amazing when it happened. You cried.. briefly. It was over so quickly. Or so you led us to believe. Wow did you find your lungs later. Especially as we took you to get weighed after and apparently making you get naked and putting you in a plastic tray to see how much weight you have gained is not your idea of a good time and you let us know.

You also had two 6 week checks this month. First the Health Visitors weighed you and measured your head and told me that they thought I was feeling too sad and should come and talk to people there to cheer me up. That gave me a giggle, so it worked I guess! You passed with flying colours although your head is bigger than your brother’s was at that age, so let us hope it slows down.

We went to the GP to have the second check later in the week and she reconfirmed that you were healthy and strong and gave us a useless cream for your skin.

Ooh, your skin. The baby acne cleared and appears to have left behind eczema. This has led me to cry a lot because I can see when it is bothering you and your tight balled up fists rub rub rub your face in an attempt to relieve yourself of the annoying itch. Luckily Kadie came through and sent you something from Canada which has helped SO much and has led to a whole lot less scratching and face rubbing. We’ll keep an eye on that and I will try whatever it takes to make you feel more comfortable, because you are about to experience a lot of frustrations.

The drool of teething has started and you are constantly trying to get your fist in your mouth. I’m not actually sure if that is a teething sign in your case as I swear that you are trying to suck your thumb. I’ve tried to give you a soother but you are not the biggest fan. You go days without ever touching one. I’m not complaining because it means not having to break you of the habit, but I am not sure I can wrestle your thumb away from you if you choose that route because you are so strong – physically and willed.

You are also starting to try and properly roll and not just do the flukey rolls you’ve been doing since birth. We watch as you try and swing your hips and legs to move your body from being on your back to your front. You can get on your side pretty easily, but the full back to front happens less often. Once you get the hang of it, if you are like your brother, you are going to do it in bed and annoy yourself when you end up in a position that you didn’t start out in.

But, we have to focus on each day as it comes and not worry about tomorrow or next week because with you, each day is so different from the last. Except when you’re in the bath. That is the only place where we know what we are going to get… contentedness. Whether you are in the bath or in the shower, you love the water all over your body. You don’t even mind when the water runs down your face. It is silly, but you being such a water baby makes me happier than you could ever know.

So you see, this month has not been easy, but it is getting better slowly but surely. Whether that is true or I’ve just convinced myself of it matters not, because I just know that I am starting to enjoy you more that I did last month and I swear that when I tell you that I love you, you know what I am saying because you smile at me… or sometimes you say something back.

And I hope that you really do know what I am saying or at least you can feel that I’m saying mean that although I may struggle sometimes, that those words are letting you know that I will do whatever I can to keep you happy, healthy, safe and wrapped in love.

We might make it through this newborn thing after all!

Happy Two Months, Squawkers!
Mommy Loves You!

I swear I only gave birth to you 17 months ago, but in this past month it would appear that you turned two. Or at least took on all of the required traits for a toddler going through the Terrible Twos.

Other mothers say that their 17/18 month olds are acting the same way, so at least I can breathe easy for now, knowing that I am not raising a complete CrAzY. Trust me, if it weren’t for the reassurance, I would be seeking out special padding for all of the walls in the house. A padded floor might be nice too. Though that would be for me since I seem to forever be tripping over your cars, buses, trains and all other wheeled toys that you never tire of playing with.

There is nothing so cute as seeing you get right down on the floor with your head on your arm as you “mmmmm” “brrr” as you roll your vehicles back and forth. There is also nothing quite so un-cute as you getting frustrated that the magnets on various magnetic vehicles are pushing apart rather than pulling together. I try and tell you to turn it around, but you’d rather deliver a sweeping blow to the toys. I totally understand that they are getting on your last nerve, but if you just listen, you will learn how to fix it and it won’t annoy you again.

That being said, you are my child, so I can’t really fault you for your short temper. I can however let you know that we don’t do things like that in this house. Just like we don’t willfully empty the basket of remotes behind the sofa, pour water in your electronic toys, put pillows on top of your baby sister, push all of the buttons on the washing machine, pull whatever is in your reach off of the kitchen counter, or dump your raisins all over the floor.

We do however enjoy your random outbursts of dancing, the endless hugs you want to give Amy and the kisses and cuddles you have for us.

Month 17 was also the month that you decided to show us that you had grown the perfect amount to open the front door and walk out. That’s right. We returned from a trip out and I had to pee very badly, so after I had you and your sister in from the car, I told you that I was just running up to the bathroom, only to get back downstairs and hear your familiar “uhh? uhh??” in the distance. Where on earth was that coming from? And then I saw the light in the front hall that was like a beacon screaming to me “you are the Worst Mother Ever! Your toddler escaped all because you just HAD to pee!”. I moved as fast as my fat and frightened legs would take me and found you standing on the driveway with your arms up in the air “uhhing” as you looked around wondering where I was.

Month 17 was the month you nearly killed me. Now my heart skips a beat when you slip out of view and I have to keep the front door locked even when I’m sitting in the room next door.

Other than highlighting that I cannot imagine what my life would be like without you in it.. even for half a minute, your escape highlighted that you are growing up so quickly. You are trying to walk up the stairs and not crawl, you can open and close doors, you come to get me when you think Amy needs me, you try and pick her up to give her a hug, you ask to brush your teeth at least 3 times a day – though not with words. And although you can “moo” and say only a couple of words here and there, that is totally fine by me, because I need something to remind me that you’re still just a little dude. Not even a year and a half old.

What I wouldn’t give to keep you this age forever, but I know I need to let you grow and explore and go through the phases drive me up the wall, and cherish the stages where you ooze cuteness. Even though there seem to be more of the crazy stages, I am so proud of you.

Don’t ever stop being you.

Happy Seventeen Months, GrumpyPumps!!
Mommy Loves You!!

Yesterday was Mother’s Day in North America and being Canadian, I have managed to make a sem convincing argument that I deserve to celebrate both days.

Being as though I was in Canada for the UK version of Mother’s Day this year, there was no going out to lunch or dinner like we did last year … when Noah was 80 odd hours old and I was a zombie having a 24 hour a day Out of Body Experience.

But yesterday my boys treated me to Linner/Dunch at Brasserie Blanc. It was worth the 2 month wait! We had mussels (Noah and I) and goat’s cheese and apple salad (Noah and Lee), smoked fishcakes on a bed of spinach and green beans (Noan and I) and Pork with mash and greens (Noah and Lee) and it was all quite nice.

Even when the waitress dumped my soda water on Lee.

We’ve had a few stressful weekends/weeks/months around this house and it was very nice to sit back and enjoy some lovely food with my super wonderful husband and our most amazing little dude … right after our marathon grocery shop across the road.

With very few opportunities left to enjoy our life as a threesome I felt very lucky to have had the chance to spend that hour and a bit with them not preparing for the arrival of Cheese, cleaning, doing laundry or generally dealing with anything other than the moment we were in.

Thank you, Lee and Noah, for a wonderful Mother’s Day Part Deux.

I hope that all of the other Mothers celebrating yesterday were able to have some time to themselves or with their families to relax and enjoy yourselves

One year ago I was propped up in a bed at the Horton Hospital in Banbury, unable to take my eyes off of you as you slept in the plastic cot next to my bed. I cried. I cried because there was this perfect little baby next to me and I had no idea what I was doing and was terrified to fail you.

Today I woke up and I cried again. Your fever was so high and even though we’ve gone through a lot of growing in the past year, I am still terrified that I am failing you and often find that I have no idea what I am doing.

Luckily, in spite of my many shortcomings, you seem to think I am wonderful. Thank you for that.

This past month has been a very hard one. Definitely not one of our best, but it ended on a high note because it ended with you turning a whole year old! You started the month with bronchitis and ended it with a cold on top of which we took you to get your 12 month booster vaccinations. You and vaccines … not a pretty mix.

We’ve struggled with eating and drinking due to your illnesses this month and you have become a lot more opinionated when it comes to what you are willing to try, do or whether or not we are worth listening to. Often, we’re not. Don’t get me wrong, you’ve come back well with the eating, but you refuse to drink milk or formula unless it is from a bottle and you refuse to use any soother that is not the kind that has been discontinued!!!

Not that you eat with a soother. I let you eat with your hands, cutlery or even face first, but I do stop at some things. We try to use the soother only at bedtime or when you’re feeling sorry for yourself .. err.. I mean when you’re feeling under the weather.

When you look back and cannot remember your 12th month, I don’t want you to think it was all bad. It wasn’t. You got to go to Luca’s birthday party which you loved, and we met up with Luca and his Mummy at Rug Rats and Half Pints which you both thought was great. You did fall out of love with Gymboree and you weren’t impressed with your PixiFoto experience (to be honest, neither were we), but generally when you were out in public you were loving it! And when you were at home, you were quite happy .. just as long as I stayed by your side the entire time, which I have to admit has been frustrating.

For some reason, when you are in front of other people you are this little independent dude who will walk off and play with things and act like you do not have a care in the world, but when it is just the two of us .. which it is a lot .. you seem to think that if I leave the room for over 3 seconds, that I’ve stopped loving you and am going to give you to the next person who rings the doorbell (though let’s be honest, what an irrational fear that would be since we never answer the door unless we know something good is on the other side).

Let me ease your fears little dude. I am not leaving you. You are stuck with me. I may be crap at this Mommy job I’ve signed up for, but I’m trying and I am so sorry that you have to be the one I practice on. I’d like to have had an opportunity to make all of my mistakes on someone or something else so that you could have a more relaxed, less panicky and all around better Mommy, but I’m afraid you were the first living being that the world trusted me with (other than plants and fish..and they haven’t always worked out for the best). I am learning as we go, just like you are, it’s just that my mistakes are the ones that are more noticeable because I am the grown up and you are the one who is allowed to make mistakes. Hopefully, your second year will be a lot happier and we will do this learning and growing thing a lot more smoothly.

I love you more than you will ever know and even though I’ve cried at least a million tears since you’ve been born and wondered if it was legal to sell you on EBay a couple of times, I wouldn’t trade you for the world. And I hope when you grow up and change your mind about wanting me to be around all of the time, you’ll remember that I would do anything for you (within my means and mostly within the law depending if I agree with the law or not).

Happy TWELVE Months, GrumpyPumps!!!
Mommy Loves You!!

You on Day 0:

1 Month Old:

2 Months Old:

3 Months Old:

4 Months Old:

5 Months Old:

6 Months Old:

7 Months Old:

8 Months Old:

9 Months Old:

10 Months Old:

11 Months Old:

One Year Old!!!!!!

Birthday Boy!

Oh my God. I’m SO sorry. I’ve just realised that there is no Review of Month 10. I swear I wrote it. I can remember getting the photos ready for the post. But just as I went back to look at it, I can’t find it. I cannot find the photos either. I mean I’ve got hundreds on the computer, but none all resized and blog ready.

You will come to realise that I often have conversations in my head. I have them with your Daddy, only he doesn’t know because I forget to say them out loud. I have them with you, but let’s be honest, you wouldn’t notice even if I did say it out loud because I’m not half as interesting as a tractor or bus or car or anything with wheels or balls. I am thinking that I wrote the Month 10 post in my head, similar to these conversations I have. I’m so sorry. I’d like to blame it on the baby because I never fully recovered my normal working brain since I had you, and the baby has just added to this, but I will take full responsibility for my inaction. Sometimes your Mommy just sucks.

Oh, and by the way, Month 10 was pretty cool. Even with the teething (we’re up to 6 now!). We went to London with Kadie, we Christmas shopped, you went to your first Christmas party at Gymboree .. and at Jim and Sarah’s, and you walked. A lot. You survived your first Christmas, even if it took three days to open your presents. But you were happy for most of it. So long as there was no involvement of your own bed. We’re still working on that.

Now I am going to end this as I hang my head in shame and get working on the month 11 review.

Mommy really does love you.

Apologies for the extreme delay in getting this out. I actually had the photos all resized and ready to go in time for the 9 month birthday’s arrival, but I’ve not found myself sitting at the computer long enough to actually start to write.

At the moment, I should really be in bed because I am flat out exhausted. Month 9 saw an ever closer resemblance to Human Cling Wrap in you than all of the previous months put together. It does not help that your little brother or sister is doing their best to drain any energy I have left over from being your human security blanket.

Month 9 was a month of firsts!! They all seem to be, but more first times appear to have made their way into November than any other month … except maybe March.

You were sick for the first time. And I mean proper throwing up and diarrhoea sick. Not a little sniffle or teething annoyance that we have had before. That being said, you didn’t really allow it to slow you down. You still managed to get up and dance and smile and try to maintain your role as Centre Of Attention. And it worked.

Here you are not too long after covering me in vomit:

This month also saw you graduate to a Big Boy car seat .. a.k.a .. forward facing. It was worth every penny of the two seats to see your face on the first drive (which was to get Mommy and Cheese a healthy breakfast from McDonalds. Hey, don’t roll your eyes or raise your eyebrows .. you got to try a hashbrown for the first time). You were in awe. The world actually came toward you instead of falling away from you or generally looking like the backseat of a car. You sat as upright as possible and looked out the window the entire time to make sure you didn’t miss a thing. Other than “Aww he’s so cute!”, I kept thinking “how sad that the poor little guy has been stuck staring at the backseat for so long that he actually thinks Milton Keynes is something worth never blinking again for”.

Other firsts this month included your first overnight at a Premier Inn! Lenny Henry would have been so proud of the way his marketing worked on you. You loved it. You couldn’t get enough of the bed and did laps of the playpen like it was an Olympic track, only taking breaks to bust out some dance moves. You seemed a little disappointed that there was no rubber ducky like in the commercial, but they had beans for breakfast, so you weren’t too worried.

You also became truly British this week (other than the whole being born here thing) when you literally got to grips with your first sandwich. Sure, I gave you a grilled cheese back in September, but this was a two slices of bread with filling (cream cheese and avocado) and hold it yourself job. Man alive… you are a carb FIEND! Each sandwich experience has gotten progressively messier as you manage to get the bread in and then like the filling off of your knuckles. It’s quite cute at the moment, but a helpful hint – it’s not going to score you any points with the ladies!

Other firsts this month were even bigger than the ones already mentioned! You climbed the stairs alone … over and over and over again … and took your first steps. In fact, a few times you walked across the room (living room and bathroom!). Of course, I forgot to get photos of that ready for this month’s entry, so you’ll have to refer to the videos on your website for refreshers. Sorry. Blame the Baby Brain that is taking over. You’re lucky I remember to put your diaper on the right way most days!!

It just wouldn’t be a proper month without me mentioning your sleeping. Trust me, I wish that there was nothing to mention. You are getting worse. Don’t get me wrong, you are great when it comes to naps: anywhere, everywhere … you could nap for a living. When it comes to your bedroom though, you LOVE to play in there, you love to drink your bottle in there, but sleep!? HAHAHA. Dude, we’re going into month 10 now … just one night is all we ask. Your poor tired parents. These aren’t Halloween costumes that we have on, just really massive bags under our eyes from never having a full night’s sleep. Ever.

But how can you stay mad with This Guy?:

You can’t!

In fact, I wish that we could trust you not to roll out of our bed or try and crawl out head first in the middle of the night because we love waking up and seeing you there and we so want to get as much you time as we can from the next few months of your Only Childness. Though I’d love it if the you time had a lot less pulling of my hair or headbutting me in my sleep, perhaps even a smidge less of the eyeball grabbing that you tend to wake your Daddy up with. But you know, we can work on that.

For now we’ll just enjoy what we’ve got and if that means ripping my bicep muscles from constantly having to pick you up or losing my pants nearly daily in your pursuit to climb my body to get to the food faster or even if it means having to share my pillow with you (even though you have your own) … I’ll do it. And I promise not to cry about it (every day).

Happy Nine Months, GrumpyPumps.
Mommy Loves You!

P.S: Congrats on the arrival of tooth number 3 today!

It is imperative that I get back to the mid to late Eighties.

For weeks I have been struggling with the fact that some things will never be as good as they once were. In particular, Scott’s Chicken Villa a.k.a KFC.

At one of the KFC’s near our house, they have the good old post with the big bucket on top. Every single time I drive by it brings me back to the Barless Family Picnic or just that general time in my life where KFC was actually GOOD. The smells, the tastes, the textures all come flooding back and I am so tempted to hit up the drive thru just to order a bucket so I can hopefully find one piece amongst the masses that tastes like it used to.

But I know that this is not possible. I know that the joy of eating the bits of 11 Secret Herb and Spice batter that you find loose at the bottom of the bucket is no more. Don’t pretend you didn’t like those bits. It was the best part .. like sneaking the crispy skin off of a turkey fresh out of the oven!

The chicken itself doesn’t even taste the same. It’s now so oily and the skin so damp. What happened to the magic crispiness of the skin that covered the thick chunks of white meat?!

In fact, I find most KFCs in the UK don’t even smell like the Scott’s Chicken Villas of days gone by. They smell like grease. Or rather dirty grease traps. Like the smell that assaults your senses outside of the Yonge and Eglinton Centre on the Pickle Barrel side.

Is it too much to ask for one perfect piece of the Colonel’s Kentucky Fried? I won’t even take the breast. I’ll have that smaller piece that is white meat that I have never known the name of.

If you have a KFC near you that does not leave you wishing you’d splurged for the more expensive, softer, quilted toilet paper the next morning and that is still Finger Lickin’ Good and tastes like the 80s, then please let me know.

Oh .. and while we’re at it, I don’t want BEANS as a side, I want neon green coleslaw and macaroni salad (or packaged mash with gravy).

Scott’s Chicken Villa on Kingston Road with your slowly spinning bucket beaconing in the hungry, oh how I miss you.

There have been many mornings, and afternoons, evenings and nights for that matter, when I didn’t think that we’d reach the half year mark. Actually, I knew you’d make it, but I thought that I’d probably be spending it in a nice, tight white coat with lots of big buckles babbling to myself about needing to watch Hollyoaks or Judge Judy. But, we’ve made it!! You in one piece and me still hanging on to my last threads of sanity!

Month 6 was a mammoth month for you. Our journey into the World of Solids has continued and you have been a SUPERSTAR. Such a superstar that when I took you for your 6 month weigh-in, I nearly fell over when the lady wrote down 23lbs 6oz. You are 2lbs lighter than your nearly 2.5 year old cousin Luke!!

By the time of your Half Birthday Party, you were ready for your first Roast Chicken Dinner* (*adapted for the palate of a little dude) and a taste of Jell-O Pudding. You only got a little of that because I have become a bit neurotic over you having things with lots of sugar. I even threw out your Reduced Sugar Rusks because I thought they were too sweet. Yet, I let your Daddy give you Rum and Raisin gelato. One day you’ll realise that sense and I … we don’t often get along. But my not-so-normalness is also what makes me a fun Mommy!

This month I had to put Fun Mommy aside and tackle your sleeping issues. That was not fun. You’d developed this intense hatred for all things sleep related …at least when you knew it wasn’t a nap. You’d scream and go rigid or wave your fists about like a raving lunatic, but lots of patience … on the parts of family members and friends… got us through and now you’re a master sleeper. In fact, you became SO good at going to sleep, that our adventures in London with Kadie, Zed and Adam went a lot better than I’d anticipated! We were all so proud of you, as were the fellow diners at such places as Pizza Express and Boxwood…

On top of mastering eating and sleeping, you also appear to have discovered a belief that you are funny. You are, of course …being my child, right. However you often, of course …being my child, think you are a lot funnier than you are which makes it all the funnier. You won’t blow raspberries and rarely stick out your tongue, but always choose the best places for The Tongue to come out .. like the showers at the pool or Costco.

When you do things that you find funny, there is always this grin on your face like you are emoting “hey guys, isn’t this/aren’t I the funniest thing you’ve ever seen?”. Luckily, because I am finally starting to get into this motherhood thing, I agree that you are and encourage The Sillies. I do realise that I am only going to pay later and will undoubtedly start looking for the hospital with the nicest padding on the walls shortly.

That has actually been the best part of this month. I’ve started to really enjoy this journey. Not enough to make me think a brother or sister would be a good idea right now or later, but I am liking watching the world through your eyes and getting to know you now that I am not so scared of you. And you seem not to be too scared of me either which really helps. There are some days when you raise those perfectly shaped brows of yours and look at me with an expression that can only mean “YOU’re not seriously in charge of ME are you?”, but that look is quickly followed by a sigh of relief when you realise that YES! I am the one in charge of you! Hooray!

I think my not-by-the-book approach has helped out a lot this month as we hit the road …or the train tracks for the bright lights of London. Hotel Life is my dream and you quickly adapted. So long as there was food on hand when you were hungry and a blanket nearby when you were sleepy. You became a people watching expert and for those five days I swear you thought you were 5 years old. And at times, I think we all thought you were too.

But there were also moments when I realised that you are still just a tiny little dude who is only 6 months old. You’ve done so much in the past 6 months that sometimes we lose sight of this fact. Sometimes we start to expect more of you because you seem bigger and stronger and older. I swore I would never put expectations on you, but you’ve already been through so much more than I’d thought, that we just tend to think that you’re at least 1. I’m so grateful for the days where you just want cuddles, because those are the days that remind me. Those are the days that I know I am going to wish I took more advantage of when you’re 12 and think I’m an embarrassment. And when I look back and watch the tiny baby screaming as Kadie is prepping him for his first video’d bath, I break down and cry and hate all of the memories I didn’t get to make because my brain wouldn’t let me. But now it will, so watch out, NoHa, the cuddles are coming!!

So Happy Half Year to you, Noah Alexander James! As hard as the past 6 months have been, you have been so worth every grey hair, laugh, nervous breakdown, smile, stomachache, headache, tear and tiny smack in the face that you give when you roll over and try and grab my pillow. I am looking so forward to the next six… and all of the half and full birthdays to follow (yours and mine)!!

Happy Six Months, Grumpy Pumps.
Mommy Loves You!

Try and stop me,
It feels so good to hit the ground,
You can watch me,
Fall right on my face,
It’s an uphill human race,
and I am falling down.

I leave the country for a year and it all goes to pot!

http://www.cnn.com/2005/WORLD/americas/11/28/canada.government/index.html

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4480218.stm

I fear for what could be around the corner for my beloved country. If only I were home in time to vote. Perhaps I should begin looking inot how I can go about doing it from here.

‘Cause It’s So Hard To Forget… The Past, The Past.

Last night Lee had to see me in a state that no one should ever have to see a loved one in. I was broken. An empty shell of a person… unable to breathe… rocking myself to calmness… on the cold tiles of the washroom in the darkness. The tears flowing so fast and hard it hurt my eyes. Hands cupped over my mouth trying to muffle the sounds as I hyperventilated. Unable to takl. Unable to look at anyone or anything. Unable to be touched.

It has been ages since I’ve felt that way. Ages since I’ve felt so stuck in a world that seems to be inhabited by me and me alone. I know I wasn’t the only one who used to live there, but the others seem to have been able to move on. Shut the door and forget there ever was this alternately world that was our reality.

The feelings raging inside me conflict with each other and tire me out. Jealousy; because they can forget and go on. Hatred; because by blocking it out they’ve left me there to deal with it all alone. Happiness; because they don’t have this burning sickness in their stomachs, hearts and minds too. Confusion; because as soon as it appears to have gone from my mind it all comes rushing back crippling me worse than ever.

Perhaps my soul is just too sensitive. Too emotional. Perhaps I feel the pain for all of us… even those who inflicted it to start with. Perhaps that is my job… to deal with the past so no one else has to.

Sure you live, you experience, you learn from it and move on. But there are some things that need to be dealt with in order to do this. And how do I get to do that when no one wants to remember? When everyone else just smiles and pretends and lives in their new “reality”?

One day perhaps I too will be able to move on completely. Though I am not blind to the fact that I cannot do this alone. I just don’t know who can help me.

The hardest part right now is letting Lee see me weak. I’ve spent my life trying to be strong for everyone and it is not easy to let someone see the toll it takes. Especially when you can’t even explain what is wrong. You can’t explain why you are lying there choking on your own tears. Why you need to be alone, or if not alone… untouched.

It breaks my heart for him to do nothing but love me for me, be so proud of everything I do no matter how insignificant, hold me no matter how hard I try to push him away. I can only hope that he keeps it in his heart and mind that none of this is to do with him, that he is the only reason I am not in a much darker place. And I hope that he has the patience for me to finally break free and to be able to give back as much or more than he gives me. He deserves it. He really and truly has.