Rankish Teapants

There are so many memes or questionnaires that circulate in our inboxes, on LiveJournal or Facebook. The ones that are all about “you” often ask what super power you would like to have if you could have one. I never know what to answer to that and often come up with something totally boring or something really dumb, just to get the question answered.

The other day though, I finally thought of one. I now know exactly what super power I want. I don’t think it is an actual known superpower like the ability to fly or to be invisible or to see through things. This is WAY better. At least it would be if it existed and I could have it.

I want to be able to take photographs with my eyes. Sure, I walk around with at least one camera on me at all times and take more photos than most people so that I can capture the moments of the day and so that when I am old and totally grey, I will be able to look back at my reminders of the days that I may not remember so clearly then. But there are so many moments that happen too quickly or that are at such angles that I would never be able to capture them with a proper camera.

With Noah, the moments are out of the blue when he goes from tired to turning toward you and giving you the cutest grin. The way his eyes crinkle and you do not even have to see his mouth to know what expression he has. It would also be useful to catch him in action when he is bouncing from one activity to another absolutely loving life inside his own world.

With Amy, I would give almost anything to catch the look in her eye when she is half drunk on milk and sleep, when she looks up at you and you can tell that at that moment you are the only person in her world and that she feels completely safe and content in your arms. Noah never really looked at me when I fed him. He was busy looking around at everything else. With Amy, that is her time to capture you and bring you into her world for a while. The look in her eye, the curl of her lashes, the slight slant of her eye between smile and sleep; that is the image I want to keep forever, but can’t without this super power.

So if anyone knows how I can go about getting myself hooked up with this, I would really appreciate it. Plus, it would save a ton on camera batteries.

When I was still employed by the wonderful National Probation Service and was pregnant with Noah, the paternity of my unborn BoB was often questioned. Many people tried to claim the baby as theirs, and even my beloved husband got in on guessing the father.

Well, it has taken 13 months, 1 week and 5 days to solve the riddle .. but we now know that the father of this little boy…

Can only be this guy…

The wildness of the hair can’t hide the truth any longer. It’s either the Heat Miser or Russell Brand. And well, at least the Heat Miser most likely bathes.

Before you say it, I already know what you’re thinking, and usually you’d be right. .oO(SHE wants ME to take parenting advice from HER crazy ass?) But for today and today only, I actually have some nuggets of wisdom!!

1) When you cannot find your moisturizer, do not be tempted to use Sudocrem (diaper rash cream) instead. It’s not a pretty site. A funny one, yes. Pretty, no.

2) When taking your son or daughter for vaccines, when they start to cry after the injection just whip out a pouch of Fruitapura (pureed fruit in a Capri Sun style bag). Apparently it is magic in a packet, because Noah totally forgot about his “ouchie” and started trying to kiss me instead.

Those are the nuggets.

You may now carry on with the rest of your day and hopefully you are not trying to picture what I looked like with diaper rash cream all over my forehead.

In 99 days baby number 2 is due to start their Day 0.

In 3 days Noah is going to be 1.

I feel like I am living in some alternate reality, yet suffering the exhaustion of the person who is pregnant with the totally almost one year old.

Noah is sick right now and instead of getting better he seems to be getting worse. Somehow I have to plan and prepare for a birthday party and clean our house with 29ish pounds of sick baby attached.

If someone has figured out how to freeze time around you so that you can get things done … then please, let me know. I’d offer to pay, but you’ll be in for a handful of loose foreign change. Which is better than nothing and you can always save it for those donations envelopes on the plane.

.. no, not Christmas. Nothing to do with mulled wine, hot chocolate, shortbread or turkey. Not even anything to do with squeezing past people in the aisles of over crowded shops getting last minute gifts or avoiding people passing you with sharp parcels in what appears to be a deliberate attempt to deflate your bump.

It’s toilet paper time again of course!

Last December, Lee and I made a normal trip out to Costco where we purchased some bottom friendly Andrex toilet tissue. Forty-five rolls of it. Well, I peeked under the counter the other day and nearly panicked as I realised we were down to one on the holder and two under the counter.

Off to Costco we went. This year, the toilet paper offered was Velvet. I wasn’t so sure, but I did the finger test (poking it through the wrapping to feel the softness) and decided that it was bottom friendly as well and at £17 for another forty-five rolls we couldn’t really go wrong.

Plus, the perk of buying toilet paper once a year is worth a brand change!!

So until next December…. (or until we have a house with more than one washroom)

Yesterday, for the first time in my life, someone other than me (and I’m only assuming that I’ve done the following, though I have no recollection of this…) threw up in my hair. Oh, and on my face, on my chest, down my stomach and even got it on my back.

Now, I should probably explain that sometimes when Noah simply drools on me I get grossed out. I know that it is natural and that he’s a baby and they all do it. However, it matters not. It grosses me out.

So when I saw the Vanilla Volcano eruption begin, I panicked for a millisecond. For a few brief moments I contemplated whipping him over the side of the bed .. similar to how my mother reacted when on Space Mountain at Disney World I could feel the contents of my stomach reaching up into my throat. Only I couldn’t. I just held him up above me so that he didn’t lie on his back and choke.

I know that most babies have already done this by his age. That we’ve been so lucky to escape all illness up until now. But holy crap. It is one of the scariest things I’ve ever been a party to. He seemed so vulnerable though nowhere near as upset by it all as Lee and I were.

And though he became super cuddly during his brief days of his tummy issues and I am not sure that I’ve ever felt love for someone as strong as I did when he only wanted to fall asleep on me, I can honestly say that I hope no one ever throws up in my hair again.

Oh, and I’ll take the drool any day.

Though perhaps not so much on the sofa. If only because it is not a “wipe clean” surface and it appears to have an ingredient that prevents us from masking the Drool Dots.

And the Brits have the nerve to say that the Americans and Canadians can’t spell:

I’ve been struggling with my “retirement”. My visions of sleeping in and waking up refreshed have yet to materialise. At first, I blamed my baby related weakened blabber, but this morning I finally figured out how not to feel the need to get out of bed at First Pee.

Lee is going to a meeting today which is not in his office. Due to this, he is working from home this morning which meant when the alarm went off, he stayed in bed. My mind and my body were a bit startled because this obviously was not the routine we were used to. But it was excellent. I got up, went for my annoying wee and came back into bed instead of groggily sitting at the computer. And I got to lie there for what felt like forever…. until BoB decided to remind me who was boss and had me back out of bed.

So, what I feel is needed, is a lottery win. That way Lee can stay home and if he stays in bed, so will I. How easy a solution is that? Why didn’t I think of this earlier? Even BoB will have trouble trying to take over if it is vs. both Lee and I. Yes, with me BoB usually wins, but that is only because any wrong move on his/her part can lead me to a very embarrassing situation.

Right. So reminder… I need to get a lottery ticket for tonight! Let’s hope £2.5 million will do the trick!

This afternoon, Lee and I went to meet up with some friends for lunch in Northampton. We spent a lot of time talking about how amazing it is that you can have this little person growing inside of you one day and then next day you wake up* and there they are.. you can touch, see, hear and smell them.

Instead of taking the highway (motorway) home, we went through the villages so that we could stop at the farm shop and get some yummy Pickle Power (pickled onion cheddar). We got our piece and took some Black Bomber (extra mature Welsh Cheddar) to go with it and started heading toward the car when a commotion caught my eye. Not between people, but between the chickens that roam freely. I at first thought that it was a case of some rabid chickens trying to eat another chicken, when Lee pointed out that I was actually witnessing Fowl Gang Rape.

I covered my ears and turned away and waited for Lee to get the car and bring it to me (we were parked right by the action). I’ve never witnessed such a horrible sight, and I’ve seen a dead man vomit on someone!!!

I’m so happy that BoB cannot see from the inside out. At that moment in time I envied him/her. I too wanted not to be able to see, or hear, or have a memory.

This cheese better be the best damned cheese I’ve ever had!!!

*Note: I am aware that you don’t wake up to find a baby there. I can only dream.

One of the things about St.Kitts that makes it feel so much like home is the smell. There is a smell when you get off of the plane that lets you know where you’ve landed. Each time I step out of the plane I close my eyes and take in a deep breath and smile. After it rains, there is also a smell that I’ve come to love. It is like a mixture of the salty sea dancing with the sweet scents from the flora and fauna. You can close your eyes and still see the beauty of the island because of this smell. I love it.

Usually after it rains in Milton Keynes your senses are assaulted with a smell akin to being next to a pig processing plant or a chicken factory. It’s not pretty.

But today as I walked out of work I first saw the wet ground and then took a hesitant sniff at the air, only to be met with a similar scent to the post rain smell of St.Kitts. I closed my eyes tightly and smelled the air some more and when I opened my eyes… there it was… ugly old Milton Keynes stood before me. No bougainvilleas or hibiscus, no ocean waves crashing against the sand… not even a hint of sunshine.

I cannot explain how disappointing it was. I almost wished that the air would have had the choking, breath stealing stench it usually does post rain.

Who is this Mother Nature woman and why is she messing with me!?