Rankish Teapants

Once upon a time, Kirsty and Lee bought a house. This house was a very nice house. It gave them the opportunity to express their inner DIY greatness. They would paint, drill, hammer, screw (as in using a screwdriver, pervert!), glue, hang, build, tear down, etc.

That lasted for a goood month. Maybe even two. There were dreams of decking, fencing, replacing bamboo. Skimming, plastering, painting, re-tiling… and more. In fact, the first thing they did was tape off the kitchen because the dreaded pink with red tiles HAD to go. It HAD to.

So just over a year has gone and Kirsty went and got a proper full time job. She realises that this means any lingering DIY projects must now be moved to ASAP status or else they willl never be done.

So finally it has begun…. the kitchen with the walls of Pepto Bismol pink shall soon have the more mature, more respected colour of Soft Stone. Or mushroom soup if you’d rather.

The difference is noticable already:

No, neither of us has a habit of beating up the walls. They are naturally that beautifully finished. :/

Another look of the pink as it fades away from my life ….

Mmm Gyoza dishes.

Once this priject is done we shall have to complete the shelving in the Geek Room, because as the look on Yoda’s face tells you, he is pretty pissed at having to reside on a shelf with stinky Lego and his view of the beautifully stippled ceiling being blocked by pens and cds. It just isn’t fair on the little dude.

They just make you worse
But I know I’ll see your face again….

So I finally decided to stop this Housewife on A Holiday lifestyle and get myself a damned job. Knowing that it isn’t as easy as snapping your finger and having one land on your lap, I fully expected to sit around and wait for rejection after rejection. After hearing back from the Po-Leece that I haven’t lived in the country for 3 years therefore I don’t meet requirements, I decided to look somewhere else. Like.. to the people that work with them. The Probabtion Services.

And guess what.. THEY think I’ve lived here enough time. They think I am great. So great that I had an interview yesterday morning and by the end of the day.. I had a job. SO great that my boss to be called me this morning to tell me that she was SO happy that I had accepted the job offer and that she told my new “team” and that they were chuffed to bits that I will be joining them. That’s right chuffed to bits. I would be scared if I didn’t know what that meant.

So, as of the 4th of April, I will be working here:

To be honest, it is not in the swanky bit of the building, but just to the left of this photo. So if you plan on being an offender in this area and you get probation, don’t look for any help from me. I don’t know you.

When we planned to get married in St.Kitts we did it know full well that there would be a lot of people who wouldn’t be able to make it. Unfortunately for Lee, most of the people that didn’t come were his friends. To try and make up for this fact and to give these people a chance to celebrate with us, we threw a Post Wedding Weekend. We rented what used to be the General Stores in Mitcheldean, Gloucestershire. A very old property that had been converted into a … well… that depends on what you read into things. At first glance it would appear to be a posh cottage, but on closer inspection you may find it to be a swingers weekend house.

What made us think that? Wipe clean pillow in every room, the pantyhose doll in our room that came complete with breasts and pearled “lady garden”. The spikey pillow, the gimp cupboard, the Absolut Fetish placemats, the vinyl material EVERYWHERE, even in the Barn which is supposed to be a children’s playroom.

Oh well, it was amusing.

So… it was supposed to be a big celebration of our marriage.

What is ended up being was Lee’s belated Stag Do…..

….a very gay one at that.

Very.

Gay.

I would like to give into evidence Exhibit A: Lee and Ben get Cuddly
Sure they were once boss and subordinate, but something leads me to believe the master and servant relationship never truly ended when they left their positions at Easynet. Easy something.

Next, Exhibit B: Lee says Hello to Gaz.
In a way that would make even the most openminded of people wonder. Luckily Gaz’s face is blurred as I do not believe he is as Brokeback as the man attacking him from behind. Yes, that man is a newlywed. Where he took a wife. Or a faghag as you may want to call me.

Exhibit C: Innocent men in a hottub. Or is it…..

Exhibit D: I didn’t bloody well think so. Try and tell me you are not gay now, Buddy. It is right there in black and white and red and underpants and flesh and tooooo much flesh…..

Eventually all of the excitement wore him out. To the point where he couldn’t feel anything happening to him. There were moments I was tempted to stick his pinky finger in some water and let us all watch him wee himself, however being newly married to the guy I decided to let his brother and friends decorate him with tortilla chips and hummous and Scrabble pieces spelling “twat”. Hey…it is what it is. (unfortuantely for some reason photobucket does not like the twat picture. sheesh)

And in the morning I decided to get the hell out of there… or at least to go buy some Frosted Flakes and milk.

When Lee leaves me for someone of the opposite gender (opposite of mine!!), let me be the first to say.. I Told Me So!

So, I started to write this post last month after Kenna and I returned from the Olympics. I pressed a key or two that caused it to become a draft and just couldn’t quite be arsed to actually come back and fix it.

But Kenna has left which means I have no one to lounge about with and do absolutely nothing all day, so I’ve downloaded a shitload of BNL and I am getting down to business.

Here is a brief Summary of Two Canadian Chicks Invade Italy. I say invade because we didn’t enter or leave quietly. We were loud… we laughed.. A LOT. We drank… EVEN MORE. We saw a lot of hockey which mean A LOT of screaming, cheering, booing and even getting to sing Oh Canada as the Canadian Women’s Hockey Team received their gold medal. Yeah yeah yeah, the men blew chunks, and no I am not talking about your pet from primary school OR the dude from Goonies. But we shall pretend the last game they played was the one we went to. The superb game played against the Czech Republic. One of the only games that they won. The game that everyone told me was going to be the only one they may lose. Everyone LIES!

Anyway… on with the story….

So.. two little Canadian girls headed off in the far too wee hours of the morning for the supposed fashion metropolis that is Milan. Showers were had, train tickets bought and the World’s Best Sandwich was discovered. Alas, it was Kenna that scored it and not me.

I digress…

We headed off to Torino. Home of the 2006 Winter Olympics. Just to prove it… here is the flame:

Kenna looked at it and couldn’t understand how people could be inspired to be athletes by seeing it. I saw it and thought .oO(WOW! It’s real.. and I am right by it. COOL!!!!!!!!!!) Guess it depends on whether you were brought up with the Olympics crammed down your throat like I was. Not that I actually participate in sports from anywhere other than the stands.

So we picked up the tickets for the Women’s Gold Medal Game, headed off to eat some chocolates (Torino is the Chocolate Capital of Italy I’ll have you know) and wander around. Who knew we were going to find the mother of all bars… HOCKEYLAND. Yes, it was called Hockeyland and had the most massive sign out front luring us in.. and this dude:

Like I could hold back!

Upon entering it was obvious that it was a Czech bar.. but luckily the only patrons at that time were some Canadians in red afro wigs. As you do. They had been there for a few days and hadn’t seen anything yet due to not being able to get tickets. I have no idea how they couldn’t score them as nothing seemed sold out and there were scalpers galore! Hockeyland wasn’t the only place we bumped into them though…

That’s right.. being true Canadians, we found them in the beer tent once we passed through security to go to the game. We also met two girls in line, Meredith and Hailey, who became our sidekicks for the night. They were equally ready to see some hockey and equally mental. I mean that in a good way of course.

Here is Kenna with Hailey:

and me having a tender moment with Meredith:

And Kenna and I also hung out together. She’d be the one pointing to herself so she could remember who she was when she sobered up and saw the photos. At least that is the only explanation I have come up with for why she is pointing at herself:

We also met Paolo, the only fucking Brazilian at the Olympics perhaps, definitely the only one at the hockey game that night. We ran into him in the beer tent where we proceeded to give him shit for having both a Swedish flag and a Canadian flag painted on his face. He laughed it off and tried to say he was neutral. Little did he realise he was going to have to sit next to us at the game. As he should have, he returned from the washroom with only a Canadian flag on his cheeks. Though I think it was more of a silent thank you for getting the poor bastard shitfaced.

As for the game itself. We won. Well THEY won with our support. Convincingly. And they were very gracious winners. Sweden deserved to be there next to them getting the silver because those girls played their hearts out and their asses off. I was quite proud of the Canadians at the end when they were doing the shaking hands thing. They were hugging the Swedes as if they had won co-golds. It was so cute.. but then again I was drunk.

Here they are getting the winners photo taken… and a question to the tossers we had parading as the Men’s Team…

…. lots happened…..

Then we went the next afternoon to the men v Czech game. It was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC! Although it was not for a medal it was one of the most highly charged hockey games I have ever seen. People on the edges of their seat, chanting constantly, drums, horns, scream and thundersticks. And Tie Domi’s wife?????

A) What the hell?

B) What the hell?

and

C) HUH?

These dudes (that’s right, I have no idea what their names are despite having met themon two different days and hanging out with them before the men’s game) had a rougher time than us. Like us they missed the last train back to Milan… unlike us… they didn’t know they were going to.. and they missed it for CURLING. How hardcore of a Canadian can you get!?

We sat up in the nosebleeds surrounded by Czechs. Czechs with drums. Load drums. Poor guys had no idea that I could be louder than a drum, and that everytime they started a pro-Czech chant, I would turn it to fit Team Canada and drown them out. Ahhh….. Life was good those couple of days. We saw a gold medal game… the men’s team won:

And we were in Hockey Heaven.

This was longer than I expected and I left out 75% of the trip.

I guess all you need to know, is that we came, we saw, we rocked that country and we left.

Oh.. and the food is shit except for the sandwiches from that one place across from the Central Station.

Ciao For Now!