Rankish Teapants

I’ve officially lost my mind. Every last brain cell has sneaked out my massive head whilst I wasn’t looking. Today was the topper. I don’t think that there is any going back to the woman I once was.

No, I didn’t wear two different coloured shoes to work (again).

It was worse. Much worse. And what adds to it being worse is that it took me AGES to notice.

Notice what, you might be wondering….

… when you find out you’ll wish you hadn’t.

Today, I, all 31 years old of me, wore my underwear/knickers/whatever you want to call them … to work…. backwards.

This was not a tribute to Kris Kross or a bold new maternity wear fashion statement. Nope. I’ve just plain gone and lost my mind.

Excuse me whilst I go to sleep and hope I wake from my lovely slumber to find it has all been a dream.

The hardest part of this pregnancy so far has not been all of the nausea, headaches, sleeping, stuffy nose etc. It has been doing this all without my Daddy. I know that it is supposed to be the happiest time in my life, but I am struggling to allow myself to enjoy it because my heart is still completely shattered. I never imagined that I’d go through this without him and even though it is happening, I still cannot imagine it. Probably more so that I don’t want to imagine it.

It’s become something to laugh over at how easily I cry at the television these days and although I am sure that some of it is down to hormones, most of it is down to the fact that I expend most of my energy trying to be as happy as I am “supposed” to be right now. I’ve just not figured out how to do it properly. And it is something that I wish I didn’t have to figure out.

Let’s face it, if my Dad were still around I’d be told every day that I am doing this all wrong and I’d get a list of “how you should do it”, and even when I would complete the list I’d still be doing it wrong. But at the end of the day, I’d know he’d still be there and inside he’d be even happier than I would. But as happy as I am, and don’t get me wrong.. I am thrilled, I can’t ever be as happy as I imagined I would be. And that, that makes me sad. Sad to the point where I have more snot running down my face than tears. Sad to the point where I feel lost all over again. And I don’t want to do lost, I’d only just started to find my way.

This is hard. I knew it would be, but I had no idea how hard. I just hope that it gets better before it gets worse. That, I cannot handle. And it would not be fair to BOB (nor Lee, but he can escape the tears and snot bubbles, BOB’s kind of stuck with me).

When I get home from work, I come online and check the same few websites before I get into pyjamas and veg out. Usually I am met with the same old same old and not much that actually shocks me or surprises me or makes me want to cry.

Tonight however, I was met with this when I went to CNN.com:
Police: O.J. possible suspect in alleged theft

SAY IT AIN’T SO! I don’t have enough energy in me to fight the OJ fight. How many classes did I skip in university to keep my eye on The Trial of the Century?! Okay, there were other reasons that I skipped too, but that trial was the most important one. I couldn’t miss a damned thing. Even when I had no idea what was going on… it was still the best thing ever… like Law and Order – LIVE! Like CSI – How not to do it!!

This time though, you’re on your own Orenthal James. This time there won’t be a Johnny Cochrane (mostly because he’s head) or Robert Kardashian (because he’s dead too) and there won’t be me (because although I’m alive, I’m far too tired and nauseous to deal with your ass).

Sure, you’re sitting there thinking “it’s only theft”… but when it comes to OJ Simpson, there is no “only”.

If I was a praying girl, I’d pray for his ass. But I’m not. So I believe I’ve got to finally cut the apron strings and let him go.

Silly man. Silly silly man.

*please note that if he is not charged with this alleged theft, then I will secretly breath a sigh of relief, but continue on the outside to pretend to be completely disgusted.