Rankish Teapants

Today I sneaked out of work with 3 of my colleagues and braved the blustery winds of Central Milton Keynes to go wave a cheap paper flag and stand behind the cold metal barriers that lined the route you were taking to officially open The Hub. If not for the warmth of my unborn child, I fear I may have succumb to hypothermia out there. My fingertips were freezing because I did not have my mittens which were in my car which was on my driveway because I figured your arrival was going to mess up the parking outside our office.

Now I know that you cannot control the weather, but you can at least make an effort to be on time. It was appalling how you arrived without a care in the world over 20 minutes late. Had you been on Probation you would have received a stern warning and I did consider sending out an enforcement letter to you to make you aware that the breach of the trust of “your public”, who believe that they can depend on you to be punctual, is a serious matter.

Worse than your tardiness however, was the way you sped by the crowds. Even when the car turned onto the pedestrian walkway that was in front of us, no effort was made to slow down and allow your subjects more than a fleeting glance of you in your purple outfit. We had been told that you were going to get out and walk past. We understand that it was very cold out there, we should know as we were the ones waiting for ages for your arrival. At the very least you could have had the driver slow to a crawl. You were safe, there was a sniper on the roof of the hotel. I know the people of Milton Keynes are not the most attractive folk in England, but they are not THAT scary! I mean, have you taken a look at your own heir to the throne? He’s no supermodel.

At least your husband was friendly and giving it his all with his massive smile and waving. You looked like you’d rather be getting a barium enema as you forced that half grimace and lifted your hand ever so slightly to semi-acknowledge that we were all there. Honestly, half an effort would have been better than none. Just because you looked good, didn’t excuse your poor performance.

From what I heard, you were no more sociable at the Football Stadium! Driving around it instead of walking. Seriously. You should have just cancelled if you were not feeling well. You should have declined the invitations if you really didn’t want to be here. It is not like you haven’t done so in the past.

In closing, I just want to say that as one of the millions of people who are forced to pay your salary, I am very disappointed. You should be thankful that you don’t have an official boss or else I’d be petitioning for a decrease in your pay or a demotion. I’m sure Camilla would have at least acted more the part. Or heck, you could have sent one of your grandsons. They would have had much more of a turn out as well.

All I can say is, mutton dressed as lamb.

Sad. Just sad.

Last night, Lee and I went to the Sally Ann box to donate some clothes; 8 large garbage bags, 2 large shopping bags and a weekender sized suitcase fully of clothes. We left feeling very good about ourselves. We are hoarders. We are the people who keep everything .. just in case. So it took a lot to part me with so many of my clothes (over half the loot was mine), but with 93 days until the Estimated Due Date it just had to be done.

Being the lazy people we are, we figured that our mass donation was our good deed for the year. That is until today when we were leaving the supermarket, only for me to notice a lady’s purse hanging from a shopping cart. I stood next to it and looked around the parking lot to see if anyone was returning for it. And no one was. Someone had unloaded all of their groceries and left their purse there …. and as Lee pointed out.. the wallet was sticking straight out of the top. We returned to the store and waited in the Customer Service line to hand it in. The lady behind the desk was surprised; especially when she saw the stack of money in the wallet. I, never even thought to look there. Anyway, I left my name and number and address (even though I was a bit nervous about leaving my details for some stranger to have… says the girl who married a man she met on the Internet) and when I got home I noticed that there was a message on my phone. A very gracious message from the owner of the handbag.

After weeks of trying to sleep and using my limited energy to think of ways not to be sick, this weekend has been chock full of doing things around the house, at the shops and upping my Good Karma Rating.. and at the end of it, although I feel exhausted, I feel good.

I knew I was nice. I just had to dig deep inside to find it.

Lee and I have been in our house now for 32 months. That’s right, 4 months shy of 3 years. We have done some sort of change to every room in the house since moving in – some minor, some major. The one room that has suffered most is our bedroom. We had grand plans back in the day when we were sleeping on an air mattress (that also doubled as our sofa during the day). However, those plans faded when we decided to strip the wallpaper and discovered that behind this wallpaper were two unfinished walls. One even lacking a basic skim.

So we continued to strip it because there is no going back when you make a discover like we did. But that’s it. Other than the new furniture, the walls stayed as they were. Oh, other than the test areas where different shades of blue and terracotta show the original and improved ideas were tried out.

Since the baby is coming and we want to get out of here, we thought that perhaps it was about time to take apart the monstrosity that was the wardrobe we bought from the previous owners. Not only did it take up a massive amount of space (okay, our massive bed doesn’t help either but it’s comfortable damn it!), but we couldn’t access the electrical socket next to it because of the huge plug heads in this country. Are they even called plug heads?

Anyway, today was the day. It all came down… and when it did, Lee called me in to show me that behind the wardrobe lay a surprise… a lilac coloured wall. Odd since the rest of the room was yellow to start with. Also odd considering the female half of the previous owners was supposedly a bedroom interior designer.

Luckily, we own the largest container of white paint and tomorrow, the lilac shall be but a fleeting memory and finally the “urban room” will begin to take shape and turn into the more appropriate “mature parents’ bedroom”.

Okay okay, we’re not mature, but we are more mature than we were 32 months ago!!!

I do not get that many “cravings”. It has been a let down for Lee that I have not been wanting to munch on dirt or pickle ice cream. However, from the beginning of this pregnancy I have wanted to have a “pie”; pot pie to the Canadians… and it would appear just pie to the Brits. Understandably, I’ve been very scared about the whole thing. I do not normally like eating something when I cannot identify the contents, and let’s face it.. this is Mad Cow Country.

So the other night when we were at the supermarket… yes, we’ve cooked dinner every night this week! Apologies to the restaurants and take-aways of Milton Keynes. .. anyway, Lee went and sourced two non-scary looking pies so I could try one. Yesterday I was having a VERY off day and was going to make beef stew, but preferred to waste the day crying and sleeping and talking to myself. I actually prefer to spend most days like that, but I digress. Lee asked what I wanted for dinner and I said “pie, chips/fries, peas and gravy”.

When it came out of the oven it looked like.. like a pot pie. I relaxed a bit. I cut into it and noticed that the gravy was a bit congealed and thought that perhaps it was cold, but in fact it was too hot for my mouth. Confusion set in, but hunger won out and I ate the whole thing.

At two o’clock this morning I woke up and I could swear that I smelled dog food. I couldn’t understand where it was coming from until I did a spot check and realised it was me. Well my breath, not my body. I couldn’t understand how on earth that was possible.. I mean this was no normal morning breath… and then.. and then.. I remembered THE PIE.

It may be a good thing I didn’t check the ingredients on the pie before eating though it may have been wise for me to see if the brand was ALPO or Purina before eating it!

Yuck. One craving down… never to be given into again.