Rankish Teapants

15 Months of Silly

You’ve made it to 15 months as an only child! There were days along the way in the past few weeks that we were not sure it would happen, but it has. I’m not sure that it means as much to you, but I have really enjoyed our past month together. Even if you decided to bring The Sick back and we decided to suffer at the same time.. with different ailments.. but we suffered. That part of the month, let’s not repeat.

Running Low On Steam

The rest of it we can though! Even the parts where you’ve decided that your best friend in the entire world is your Daddy. It started at the end of last month and trust me, this month was full of those moments/hours/days/weeks. It would appear that you only really need me now when it comes to bathing and sleeping. Otherwise, you’ve become a dude’s dude and sure it is okay if I’m there too, but you don’t really need your Mommy hanging around.

Just the Two of Us - I

Even if you do not need me around, I have loved watching how you follow your Daddy all over the backyard. How you call out for his attention with your finger gestures, just so he’ll look at you and you can bust a dance move or run to him with your eyes closed as you laugh so hard to yourself because of course you ARE the funniest person who has ever lived (that you get from me).

Run Forest Run

In fact, you’ve developed quite a few talents this month; spinning around in circles while stood up .. or whilst sat on your bum, trying so hard and getting so close to mimicking dance moves you see on television (Boogie Beebies is one of your favourite shows now), mastering the art of fork feeding, sleeping in a big boy bed with no bed rail, climbing up everything you see .. and most recently you’ve become addicted to participating along with my singing Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes. At first everything was your head, but you are learning and now you bend over and go straight for the toes. It makes me jealous because bending over is not something I can do easily these days!

Head and Shoulders…

Knees and Toes…

In fact, nothing has been easy to do the past couple of weeks and you seem to have sensed that and become even more independent than you were last month. Sure, you will try to get me to do everything, but you do give in easily and carry on your merry way and do it yourself. But you always come back for a quick cuddle to make sure that I know you still need me and maybe to check that I do need you too. Which is a given. A person can’t have someone like you come into their life and ever stop needing them. Your laugh is infectious, your smile is contagious and when your heart breaks with each tear you cry, you break my heart too. And when you sit there innocently doing something simple like eating a banana or your corn on the cob, or spinning the wheels of some toy, stroller or cart, I just want to scoop you up and cover you in kisses.

A Boy and His Banana

I’ve almost willed this month not to end. Not just because I am terrified about the arrival of your little brother or sister, but it has taken us so long to get here, that I am afraid of what is going to happen when your whole world is turned upside down and we don’t get to spend as much “us” time together as you are used to. I’m crossing my fingers that this baby will let us have our morning naps together at least because I really want there to be time each day where you get your Mommy all to yourself. We’ve tried hard to prepare you for the arrival, but I know you are still just a little dude as grown up as you seem, so now I need to remind myself to be patient with you and be understanding if you don’t just accept this change with open arms. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are now and it is all about to get flipped over on its head. I’ve asked a lot of you in the 15 months you’ve been around, and I’m asking once again to bear with me. This is new territory for us all.

Your World Flipped Upside Down

I promise, in 15 months I will not be telling you that you have to prepare for yet another sibling’s arrival. And if I do tell you that .. then look around for hidden television cameras, because one of us will just have been Punk’d. You have no idea what that means, but I am sure that it will be back on tv in syndication eventually and you will finally be filled in on the joke.

Thank you for yet another amazing month. Watching you grow up has become the greatest pastime a person could have. Though perhaps, it’d be even better without fevers or teething and those not so solid diapers you give us now and again. Month 16 is going to be a crazy one for all of us, but I promise you that I am going to love you even more next month than I have in any of the past ones and that you will still get as many cuddles as you need. Plus, your other best friend Zed is coming in a couple of days and bringing the one that feeds you anything you want (Kadie). You’re set! In fact, come to think of it, I hope you remember who I am by the end of next month!

The Happiest Little Boy Ever

Happy Fifteen Months, GrumpyPumps!!!
Mommy Loves You!!

To most people, yesterday was just another day. It came, it went, things happened, but it wasn’t memorable. It wasn’t the happiest day of their life, it wasn’t the saddest and by the end of the weekend they will struggle to remember what they ate for lunch or dinner.

I’m not most people.

Yesterday was one of the dates on the calendar that will always mean something to me and will never get easier. I wake up in the morning and the tears start to well. Throughout the day I try and stay occupied, but it is hard because I think about the What Ifs. By the end of the day I’m exhausted and I just can’t fight the tears anymore. And I can’t even blame the hormones.

My Dad should have turned 63 yesterday. He should have been sitting in St.Kitts saying how much he wished we could all celebrate together, but maybe next year. Though it wouldn’t really matter because he’d just be happy that his fourth grandchild in a year and a half was due to arrive at any moment.

And I know I shouldn’t think about how things would be or how I think they SHOULD be, but I cannot help it. I miss him. I miss him every single day of my life and cannot believe that so much time has passed and so many things have happened in all of our lives and he hasn’t been here to be a part of it with us. Each of us, his children, has had our life change in ways that he would be so proud of and ways he wanted so badly for us and for him .. and he doesn’t get to share any of it.

Sure, a lot of you would say that “he knows”, he’s always there, he’s better off … and a whole bunch of other thing that are meant to make me feel better, but don’t. I don’t need words, I don’t need hugs, I don’t need looks of “poor girl, you’ll be okay” and time will not heal no matter how many people say it.

Each year on the 22nd of May my heart shatters into a million pieces of sadness that cannot be helped no matter what. Sure, yesterday was better than the others that have passed as we were plenty occupied with two toddlers running around and falling over and into each other, but that just allows the pieces to shatter a little more slowly.

But this morning at 5.25am I was awaken with the pitter patter pitter patter pitter patter of two not so tiny toddler feet running across the creaky wood floors from his room to my bedside with arms out stretched wanting to join us in bed and it helped start to put the pieces back in place. And although I know my heart will never fully heal, moments like that help get it back to as whole as it can.

When getting Noah ready for bed last night I attempted to cut his toenails. This is no easy feat as he HATES it. You can rub his foot for ever, but touch the toenails and you’re out of there! This could be because he has inherited his toenails from my side of the family which requires a professional sander to remove the cuticles, but has not inherited my family’s love for picking at things.

Me to Noah: I am so sorry that Mommy gave you these horrible toenails.

Lee to Me: The good thing is that you know they came from you which means it shows I didn’t cheat on you and Noah is yours.

Me: *sigh* I hope this baby has better toenails.

Lee: I hope this baby is white.

Me: Why? So you can prove that I mothered this baby too?

Lee: Exactly.

You can try and justify the randomness of our conversations on lack of sleep or anxiety due to impending baby arrivals, but that’s just how things are around here.

Once you start making sense and talking seriously, you know that you’ve got problems.

On discussing why I’d want to get rid of our second barbecue.

Me: We have the prince of barbecues, why do we need the pauper?

Lee: What’s a pauper?

Me: A pauper? A poor person.

Lee: Ooh, a POOR-per.

Me: Uhh, not a porpoise, a pauper.

Lee: Yeah, but you’re saying POP-per

Me: And you’re saying POOR-per

Lee: Yeah, as in POOR-person.

Today I witnessed one of the sweetest things that my eyes have ever seen in my life.

Lee went out to mow the lawn and I being the responsible parent that I am .. fell asleep on the sofa once I’d convinced Noah that the lawn mower wasn’t going to randomly attack him.

I woke up at one point when Lee had the Weed Whacker out (though they call it a strimmer here) and Noah decided to run into the house and come sit in the relative safety of the living room where we could spy on what was going on outside but being far enough away avoid any horror movie re-enactments.

Once again I told him it was okay and he slowly made his way to the door and then out to the deck where he yelled at Lee to get his attention. I drifted asleep for a couple of minutes and woke up to see Noah sat on Lee’s lap with his arms wrapped around his daddy’s neck and his head on the shoulder.

I watched this for a long time and struggled to get off of the sofa without being noticed. I just HAD to capture this moment on camera. Slowly, I got the camera out, made it across the floor to the door and zoomed in without being noticed. Unfortunately, the loving cuddles had just ended and Noah appeared to want to tell Lee something. That, I captured:

Daddy, I have something to tell you..

And I also captured what he wanted to share with his daddy:

How do you like THEM apples?

That’s my son. All about sharing the love. How proud am I to have raised such a loving … flashing… soul?

…will not be presented to me. At least not by the upstanding members of my neighbourhood who got to see a whole new side to Noah today.

I was in the kitchen making dinner and had left Noah sitting on the sofa watching CBeebies (like Treehouse for the North Americans). He was tired, so he was chilling out against a pillow and had his soother in. Occasionally he would strain and peek out of the window and then look back at the tv.

Now he wasn’t making much noise at all, but when things went spookily silent I decided that I should investigate what he was up to.

When I arrived in the living room I saw that a bag had been knocked over and a pillow was pinning the curtain to the sofa. From this photo you can see where he actually is, but in person you couldn’t. It looked like he was sitting on the cushion looking out of the window.

So I snuck around the corner to get a shot and suffice it to say, I was the one who was left in shock as I saw my half dressed 14.5 month old dancing in the front window for everyone to see.

Just how many people passed by that window and wondered to themselves .oO(where is that child’s mother?) Obviously Noah just took the saying “dance like no one is watching” literally.

And to think people worried when we made the Bucket Babysitter™.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day in North America and being Canadian, I have managed to make a sem convincing argument that I deserve to celebrate both days.

Being as though I was in Canada for the UK version of Mother’s Day this year, there was no going out to lunch or dinner like we did last year … when Noah was 80 odd hours old and I was a zombie having a 24 hour a day Out of Body Experience.

But yesterday my boys treated me to Linner/Dunch at Brasserie Blanc. It was worth the 2 month wait! We had mussels (Noah and I) and goat’s cheese and apple salad (Noah and Lee), smoked fishcakes on a bed of spinach and green beans (Noan and I) and Pork with mash and greens (Noah and Lee) and it was all quite nice.

Even when the waitress dumped my soda water on Lee.

We’ve had a few stressful weekends/weeks/months around this house and it was very nice to sit back and enjoy some lovely food with my super wonderful husband and our most amazing little dude … right after our marathon grocery shop across the road.

With very few opportunities left to enjoy our life as a threesome I felt very lucky to have had the chance to spend that hour and a bit with them not preparing for the arrival of Cheese, cleaning, doing laundry or generally dealing with anything other than the moment we were in.

Thank you, Lee and Noah, for a wonderful Mother’s Day Part Deux.

I hope that all of the other Mothers celebrating yesterday were able to have some time to themselves or with their families to relax and enjoy yourselves

The fear in a child’s eyes when they are lost is heartbreaking to see. The panic on the face of a parent who cannot find their child is one which can be felt by a stranger walking by.

I’ve always heard that you will lose your child, whether for 1 minute or more and that it will be the scariest thing that I can go through.

Well, today I lost Noah. It wasn’t even for a minute, but the panic set in. Where did he go?! He was just there!! My heart was in my throat.

Only we weren’t in public.

In fact, we were in our house. In the bathroom. Specifically, in the shower.

That’s right, I lost my son in the shower. One minute he was standing there brushing his teeth and singing and then all of a sudden there was quiet and I couldn’t see him. I looked down and ..no Noah. I looked behind me (the best that I could) and .. no Noah. Then all of a sudden he pops out of nowhere, singing and brushing his teeth like nothing had happened.

Popped out of where you might ask? He was hidden under my bump. It turned from one of the most frightening moments of my life into one of the most depressing.